sidewalksparkle | Recent Entries

Ice cream can be pretty. The names are pretty; the tactile feeling of scooping ice cream is pretty when my wrist doesn't hurt; the colors are pretty. "Two Blue Moons in cake cones" doesn't even sound like food. Also, these two women came in today for what was maybe the second day in a row (I lose track of working days; they're very similiar) with their elderly mother/mother-in-law type person and the mother has this really fabulous Southern accent. Even though Georgian Bay Butter Pecan is from Michigan, she says it like it's from Georgia 100 years ago: Ge-o-gian Bay Buttah Peca-an. She also got Peanut Buttah Fudge. I was so happy to see those people a second time because they were all three polite and friendly and very careful, enthusiastic orderers of ice cream. I always want the mothah to get somethin' with buttah.

I didn't know until after it happened that I needed to have a night where some friends and I take pictures of each other pulling up our eyelids and rolling our eyes downward so only the whites show and laughing so hard we almost cry. But I really did need it. And it really did happen. For this kindergarten boy behavior I am thankful, even though I'm really bad at the eyeball trick.

Since I now no longer care about having been rejected by Northwestern, I can find the humor in this passage from my old Open Diary, dated 6/13/2003:

"Northwestern University's Art Theory and Practice website is just about the loveliest thing ever. I am going to overdose on tit and die. But not before applying this autumn. Nerves."

The best part is where I say I am going to overdose on tit and die. Oh my goodness. And a lowercase "t" used to seem so dull and commonplace.

Sometimes I get really thrilled by this vague notion of the future in terms of "life."

This morning (Thursday) I woke up a bit after nine and could have started a productive, useful day. Instead I decided it wasn't worth getting up and that time could pass more quickly if I just slept. Next thing I knew it was eleven. I usually don't think like that.

My dreams seem so real.

I signed off AIM awhile ago on the grounds of needing sleep, so what am I doing up here? This glowing screen keeps me more alert than I should be.

I want to see my dorm room with the two windows again. For some reason, a huge part of the thrilling life notions is the possibility of waking up sometime this winter and realizing--because of one or both of those windows--that it is snowing.

Last night/this morning was so fun. It was like being in junior high again except without all the "drama." So in other words, it wasn't at all like being in junior high. But it was a sleepover. It seems like everybody has the same sleeping bag! We laughed. We ate a lot of chocolatey things. We watched When Harry Met Sally, which was even cuter than I remembered. (Everybody kept moaning like Harry. That's my favorite scene of the movie, when Harry and Sally are "just friends" and they're on the phone before bed.) I love my friends.

Maybe all the sugar is part of why I've felt so tired all day. I didn't stay up much later than I often do, and I took today off work since two of my aunts and one of my cousins are visiting, so there's got to be another factor. I took my first nap of the summer. Usually, a bit of ice cream is the most sugary thing I eat on a regular basis. But in the past couple of days, between the sleepover and having relatives here, I've had M&Ms, oatmeal coconut chocolate cookies (mmm), banana pudding, more ice cream than usual...and there's some coconut cake in the fridge that I haven't touched yet! It's yucky and fantastic all at once. Mostly yucky, actually, except for the exact moments when I am eating.

Tomorrow is their last day. These visits always go so fast! We've been busy--eating, the fair, eating, Wolf Park, eating, etc. And tomorrow I have to work for three hours and go to youth group elections, too. At least my night is free. On the day they leave, Dad comes back from D.C. and Daniel comes back from the East Coast. It'll be so good to see them again.

I should sleep so I can actually function in the morning. Sometimes there's a nice peace that comes with feeling lazy and tired, but sometimes it is simply depressing.

There's this small part of Ok Computer (maybe in "Let Down") that rings. Everytime I hear it I think, Oh! My cell phone is ringing! I don't even have a cell phone. But I think the same thing each time.

In the middle of writing that tiny paragraph, the real phone rang.

There's a lot of good stuff going on right now. Plans with friends, making progress in terms of organization of earthly possessions, Friends Season Two on DVD, the ice cream job, currently feeling the upswing part of the excitement/dread cycle I've been experiencing as I get ready for Earlham.

I'm getting my room organized. It's so great. I hate cleaning that involves rags and solutions and vacuums, but I love cleansing. I do this periodically, but this time it seems so much more important to sort and categorize and actually get rid of junk because the life-changing black hole I refer to as college is looming only six weeks into the future.

I went to all three church services today because it was youth Sunday and we had to sing and do all sorts of aspects of the service. Everybody but me had been to camp, so it was a little bit awkward--after all, this sunday is dubbed "Camp Sunday." I was glad when Lydia came to sing with us; she hadn't been to camp either and I "made" her join us in the front so I wouldn't feel so strange. Of course, I've been to camp for the past three years so I knew what was going on. Even so...awkwardness.

Hah! Last night these people in enormous blow-up costumes (chef, sumo wrestler, baby, etc.) came waddling down through the Village promoting their body piercing studio (salon? shop? store? chamber of aesthetic tortures?) Shiva took a picture.

Well. I must get ready for work, since I kind of didn't shower this morning since I kind of hadn't seen the light of 7 a.m. in a really long time. I go to work at 2 o'clock practically 100% of the time. I know exactly what each hour before 2 p.m. feels like on any given day. That's where the to-do lists (which are probably a bit excessive for summertime) come in handy. I can mix things up in a perfectly scheduled fashion.

I think I liked A Mighty Wind, but I'm not certain. I wouldn't want to watch it again to make sure. Parts of it were really funny, and I thought there was great attention to small details to make the characters seem like real people. I like Catherine O'Hara and was so shocked when Shiva pointed out that she was the mom in Home Alone. I love it when I remember people. However, some characters were almost too consistently pathetic. And the pacing was a tad slow. Nevertheless, I had a fun night.

The days are just going along. It seems like such a stupid thing to say, but sometimes it amazes me. Maybe it's all the to-do lists, the highs of productivity and the lows of sloth. Or is it the other way around? Nah.

I only had to work three hours today, which was a blessing because the air-conditioning is broken and won't be fixed till tomorrow morning. (Because it is a holiday, the labor would cost time-and-a-half and the needed part would be an extra $50). The ice cream is fine, the store is just very, very warm. We kept the lights off and didn't make waffle cones and there were lots of fans going. It wasn't a crisis.

I don't know what's going on tonight and I don't care. It's not apathy. The heat's left me languid. But I'm making banana supremes (an ice cream sundae we make at work) for my mom and sister after dinner. Then we'll see what happens. I'll perk up.

I want July to last a long time.

I saw The Notebook tonight and didn't think it was too sappy and sentimental or too designed for tears: I cried earnestly at the end (sweet sad love music + James Garner crying = me crying) and am glad I went to see it on the big screen. I love rain in movies. I thought all the actors were so well cast--and again we see that Joan Allen is everywhere. (I loved how both mother and daughter use the phrase "I'm a stupid woman.") I wonder if Dr. K would have liked this movie.

It rained in the real world today, too--my boss stood at the big glass window-wall and watched. I was making waffle cones with my back to the weather, but I kept turning around to look at the trees thrashing around in the wind. I hope it doesn't storm tomorrow (fireworks) but today it was nice.

Making waffle cones seems to be my redeeming quality, the thing that gives me purpose after I feel like crap for not understanding taxes and the technical aspect of computers and other "adult things" I should be learning. At least I know how to make waffle cones. And sundaes. Let's not forget sundaes. Mmm.

I think I only have four bug bites (four active itching ones, at least) but the cycle of itching is so complicated and varied and INTENSELY ANNOYING that you'd think I have twenty. Small price to pay for the joyousness of summer, I guess.

(Edit: I'm reading The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen. I'm maybe 25% done and I can't say I like it, though I'm very interested and I keep reading. I find all the characters distasteful, which is probably part of the point. And it's so depressing. Parkinson's Disease is depressing--my grandfather suffered for years because of that illness. Sex addiction is depressing--and in this case, disgusting. Obsession has many depressing aspects. Forced, sunny, cheerful, nagging desperation is depressing. Spoiled children are depressing. And I have over four hundred pages more of this laugh-fest. I can't stop now, though--I really hate leaving books unfinished.)

As a result of everything I read and hear around me, I am realizing that there are many, many parts of the adult world that I do not understand and will have to understand very soon. Taxes (basically the understanding of all the forms and knowing how to file, since my dad figured everything out for me this past tax season and I didn't have enough income to have to actually pay any money--something that probably won't be the case next year?!?)... Setting up electronic equipment such as TVs and computers... Setting up a bank account in a new place... the FAFSA and other financial aid stuff that I'll have to re-file for sophomore year of college (again, because my dad essentially did this for me and did not explain).

I feel about two years old. I appreciate all the help my dad has given me, but now I wish he'd at least made me sit down next to him every time he did any of this stuff so I could pick up some of the necessary knowledge. I know my parents will teach me all this stuff, but sometimes I get this panicky feeling that I need to know how to be self-sufficient right now, even though there are no pressing matters of any real concern to be dealt with today. Blarrgh. Realistically, it will be years before I am truly self-sufficient since my parents will be paying for the bulk of my education. Even so, functioning independently would be nice.

It's sort of frustrating to think that having a job, paying car insurance, having been accepted to college, getting things together so I can move out on my own, etc. do not necessarily deem one able to take care of oneself. I'm a complete novice.

Dan and I played mini-golf tonight and had the best time. We invented two additional characters to golf with us and named them Joe and Mel. Mel "golfed" 6 strokes at every hole and Joe "refused" to play. I hate Joe. He has a bad attitude. Mel is cool because he made Dan and me look like good golfers. Yes, we are insane and yes, it was fun.

The only thing not checked off on my to-do list is something artistic. That should be an easy one. Maybe I'll work a little on my website, or make more livejournal icons, or draw, or cut random things out of magazines and tape them to my address book. Or all four. It's only 10:24.

It's amazing how I can feel horrible and fantastic in one day. As long as it ends fantastically, I can't really complain. I always try to avoid putting myself into the category of the typical teenager, whatever that is, but I guess I really do have typical teenager moodswings sometimes.

If I do not check off every single item on my to-do list today I am going to be very, very unhappy with myself. Why? Because it is manageable and I have no excuse for this laziness.

It felt so good to put in a day's work...as cheesy as it sounds, there's such satisfaction in being productive and working up an appetite and helping something run smoothly. My wrist didn't bother me at all. My schedule is going to be changing around a lot and I'll have to work less nights...I'm very happy about this! As far as I know, I get to keep having my Wednesdays off.

Tonight I broke down and bought two months worth of paid livejournal time. I did it for the 15 user icons...it's so lovely to have more than three options. I love making tiny little 100x100 images and get sick of constantly changing them around. It was just $5, and if I like it I'll buy more time at the year-long economical cost. Even though I see nothing wrong with the paid account system and think it's rather reasonable, I feel like a frivolous sell-out. And I'm happy about it, too.

I have a partially shot role of film in my camera. I imagine it smoldering there, waiting to be completed. Maybe tomorrow.

Don't try to say to me
That this was never meant to be
'Cos the days are long where I come from
The next few days I'm free
There's a train I want to catch
But it won't leave here for a while
Till darkness fills the eastern sky
And streetlights stretch for miles
Through the spring
And the winter and the morning

Belle & Sebastian, "Waiting for the Moon to Rise"

Daniel is gone. I can't believe it. He never stopped being a wonderful cat; even at the very end he was so peaceful and didn't panic at all. My dad and sister chose to say goodbye to him before he was euthanized, but my mom and I stayed with him until he was dead. I think we all made the right choice and got the right kind of closure. For me, it was almost comforting to see him truly dead--that way I was certain that he stayed relatively comfortable for the duration of his life. It was final and a strangely beautiful, intense experience. The veterinary assistant cried and patted my hand, since I was crying quite a lot. My mom was crying too, and the vet actually got pretty teary-eyed as she administered the drug. The vet and her assistant were both such nice women; it helped to know that they were so compassionate and understanding.

I actually feel a lot better now. I am absolutely confident that his spirit is essentially basking in the glow of God at this exact moment. And this afternoon I looked at some of his "baby pictures" and was able to laugh at how funny and cute he was without breaking down. Even though I'll always miss him, I no longer have to be scared that I'm going to go through this intense period of grief that will ruin the rest of my days--as melodramatic as that sounds, I was actually sort of afraid of that. What will actually happen is that the sadness will hit me at odd, varying times. Tonight at work, for instance, I was making waffle cones and almost got tears in my eyes when that song that goes "What can I do? I want my baby back!" came on the radio. That's a song I always sort of enjoy hearing, and it's quite cheesy and overdone, but it really touched me.

I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with Daniel for anything, though. He was (is) fantastic.

This afternoon, I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11, which was the perfect distraction--it's not at all one of those escapist movie experiences, but it gave me something big into which I could channel my energy. The movie showed in a pretty large theatre, and it was almost full at 2:20 in the afternoon. We got our tickets 30 minutes early and had to wait in a long line to be seated. The movie left me depressed, antsy, curious, etc...not at all a bad combination.

Other than the fact that I had an odd schedule today (for obvious reasons), didn't eat properly, was left shaky and lightheaded, and never got a break, work tonight was great. The good of humanity, etc. We were really busy, and several family friends got ice cream. I love waiting on people I know--the novelty never wears off. And tomorrow morning we leave for Berea and Lexington! This vacation, though short, will be so wonderful. I will take lots of pictures and relax and hang out with my family. We'll be back on Tuesday.

I must close with a quotation from my boss that I heard him telling his friend who'd come to get ice cream. If I ever get it in my head that I miss my pun-happy economics teacher, I won't have to suffer for long since my boss is almost as good! (Luckily, his puns aren't nearly as frequent or repetitive.) To set this up, he was talking about "turning the other cheek" and how it's difficult when a customer is being aggressive and a smart-aleck remark is on the tip of the tongue. "My brother-in-law was golfing and another golfer hit him on the rear end with a ball. So I asked him, "Well, did you turn the other cheek?" I laughed out loud...I never think of my boss as being the type to think of these slightly sick things.

Our cat is going to be put to sleep tomorrow morning at 11:15. Right now it's 11:11 p.m. The thought that he has twelve hours left on this earth is so awful to me.

Today we found out that a tumor in his chest is the reason he hasn't been able to eat and is wasting away. His breathing is already a struggle, so it's good that we relieve him of his suffering before he's really in agony. It's just so hard. Daniel is the best cat in the world. His full name is Daniel Webster Striped-Tiger Emmett Kitty-Cat J----, a name that evolved over the nearly twelve years of his existence. (I think he's had the same number of names for at least eight years, though.) I love him so much. He is the proverbial "scaredy-cat" yet full of personality and fun and silly and absolutely wonderful. My mom has this "voice of Daniel" that she often uses to "speak" for him. He sounds like a country gentleman. Through my mom, he used to call me his Valentine. I don't care how crazy it seems, I'm crazy about this cat and he will be gone so soon. My mom read us this book that she got when she thought my cousin's cat was going to die (that cat recovered). The book is Cat Heaven. It's a beautiful picture book outlining the perfect heaven fantasy for cats. I honestly believe it. I cried so much. I found out he was this sick right before I had to go to work; my mom tried to avoid coming home from the vet with him before I'd left for work, but she ended up pulling into the driveway right when my sister and I got home from Walmart. I could tell she'd been crying so we ended up talking about it and the three of us sort of freaked out--crying, etc. (my dad was at work, though he went to the vet with Mom.) It was horrible. It was good I had to work for so long because I got my mind off of things. On my dinner break, I returned a phone message from Daniel (the human). It was good to talk with him about it...then I called Kristen since last year she had to have her dog, Murphy, put to sleep. It helped to talk to her. I love my friends. When I got home tonight I just pet him and laid next to him and whispered to him for a long time.

I know we are doing the right thing, and I am so happy Daniel will become whole and healthy again. But it's going to be really hard not to have him around here anymore. I am really scared about tomorrow morning.

(2002)

I got to babysit for Charlie and Tyler tonight after work. It was so much fun. We played kickball in the backyard and laughed and laughed. I love those boys. After they went to bed, I had three hours to read and write and feel solitude.

Tomorrow is going to be really busy with church, Father's Day, work, and youth group (why they would pick a holiday to have the "welcome freshman" picnic is beyond me) but I hope to see actual friends my own age very soon! Maybe even tomorrow night! It's only been since Wednesday, but for summer (especially for this summer) that's kind of a long time. I can't wait to hear how the debate nationals trip went for my friends who attended. It'll be so good to talk to Dan tomorrow.

Writing is such a strange thing. I'm trying and it's not like failure or success are even issues at this point. It's just weird. I think I'm trying too hard when I do write but not spending enough time actually writing. If only I could scoop ice cream with one hand and put the pen to paper with the other. If only I weren't wistful about that which I not only cannot change but in my heart of hearts would not want changed.

Tonight at work I bought this really nifty Mackinac Island Creamery baseball cap to wear instead of the ugly navy blue visor that never really cooperated with my hair after I got layers. The hat has the seal of the new brand of ice cream we're selling, and it's really comfortable. I'm so excited.

Tonight was really fun. My boss and I seemed to have a lot to talk about, which felt great because it wasn't an especially busy night and it's always a big confidence-boost when I feel like I'm really communicating with the person who is literally in control of my job.

One of the best parts about my job is that there are components of both power and humility.

Power: my boss trusts me enough to leave me in the store alone if he needs to run an errand. It feels so good to know that I won't panic if I get busy. Tonight he was gone for about ten minutes to buy milk and bananas. While that wasn't very long, I had quite a crowd but everything was fine. It feels almost thrilling to know that I am literally the person making the Silver Dipper operate, regardless of how temporary and superfical that momentary operation is. (I don't have delusions of grandeur; I know my boss is the true operator.)

Humility: sometimes I just know that a customer thinks I am an idiot. There was this one lady tonight who probably wouldn't have believed me if I told her I had a high school diploma. From time to time I have misunderstandings when people say "double scoops." Sometimes they mean two scoops in one container, sometimes they mean they want to order two single scoop containers. In this case, I thought she was getting two double scoops, one of two butter pecan and one of a butter pecan and a praline & pecan. I was wrong! She wanted one cup with one each of the two flavors mentioned! She had to explain this three times because she was a confusing person and I wasn't catching on very quickly. Then she ordered a double scoop of what she called "no sugar chocolate." This happens to be our Low Carb Chocolate, which is Splenda-sweetened and unfortunately has a higher fat content than regular ice cream. Because I wanted her to know what she was getting into, I said "OK, two scoops of Low Carb Chocolate." She replied, "Sugar-Free Chocolate," as if her patience was undergoing a serious test. And I nodded and smiled and said "Yes, it's the Low-Carb Sugar-Free kind." Then I figured that if she was going to think I was an idiot, I may as well compensate by being extra-polite. A nice-idiot is better than a snappy-idiot, which is what I merely appeared to have become with the Low-Carb statement. Unfortunately, when I handed her her change, she dropped the pennies during the transfer from my hand to hers. It wasn't my fault but I apologized, and she was nice about it. Still, I just knew she knew I was an idiot.

I think it's probably a good thing to have this combination of power and humility. Especially when baseball hats are involved.

I just typed out all this crazy stuff, poem-shaped but not a poem. And then I deleted it. I never delete anything. It was a good thing to do. It feels too vain to let everything one creates exist without question.

I kind of started writing this story tonight. I didn't delete it. I'm excited but I don't want to jinx myself.

It's so hard to get over the fact that this is summer. It's both hard to believe and so natural a reality that I can't imagine it ever ending. But it will and I'll move to Richmond, Indiana and go to Earlham College and spend four years involved in studies and figuring out my life and eventually I need to take a few steps back to take it all in. But not tonight! Tonight I sleep.

(I got a meningitis vaccination today. My left arm feels a little funny but it's entirely worth it. College dorms and meningitis unfortunately go hand-in-hand.)

Somehow I made it all this time without knowing how massive turkey legs truly are. Today I ordered one when Molly and I had lunch together at Southern Flava, and I was really shocked by the enormous quantity of meat that was set before me. It was relatively good, but I ended up overwhelmed and wasted quite a lot of food. Maybe I should consider full-fledged vegetarianism. Maybe in college? I should do some reading. It wasn't difficult to go non-red meat at all.

Today was full of allusions to Invisible Man! Molly ate some candied yams at lunch, so of course we had to talk about "I yam what I am." Then, during Prisoner of Azkaban (her first viewing and my second), Molly leaned over and whispered "It's like 'be your own father'" during the part when Harry realizes it wasn't his father who cast the spell, but himself.

It's been a lovely day off. Not only did Molly and I have lunch and watch a movie, but I went with her to take care of Madame's cat (Mathilda, the most affectionate--lonely?--cat I've ever met) since Madame's in Switzerland and went to the Silver Dipper to kill time before the movie. When you're used to eating tiny quantities of ice cream in a small backroom on break, there's nothing better than sitting on a stool by a window, leisurely licking an actual full-sized ice cream cone.

This entire Harry Potter phenomenon is wonderful. I feel excited about it in the same way things used to excite me when I was younger, not because it's really juvenille but because it's believable magic and that's a very childlike thing to find enjoyable.

I love my job, but sometimes customers are so frustrating!

Me: Would you like lids on these?
Lady: What?
Me: Would you like some lids on these cups?
Lady: Oh, no...we're just going to take them out.
Me: So, are these to-go?
Lady: (pause) These are to-go.
Me: Would you like any lids on them?
Lady: Yes, lids.
I put lids on the cups of ice cream and place them in a brownbag.
Lady: Oh, I need them in two bags; they're for two different people. Sorry for all this trouble!
Me: It's no trouble! Your total is...blah blah blah

She was probably hard-of-hearing and she had a horrible time just articulating what she wanted to order, so I really shouldn't make fun. But sometimes making fun is the best way to get through it. The lady was by herself, so I don't know who the "we're" was. I don't think she even wanted any ice cream for herself. And she certainly had mercurial feelings in regard to to-go lids!

For the most part, however, I love talking to strangers on the basis of ice cream. It's almost always really interesting.

It's nice to have a day off, though...a day to exist purely as the consumer rather than as the consumed. (Ha. Ha. Ha.)

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sidewalksparkle

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sous le ciel

an excuse to look up

Recent Entries

two blue moons

naughty little typo

who

fog

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let there be something

"you rock me"

too early to think like that?

recognition

an infant in a basket on a river

uh-oh

proclaimation

frivolity and little pictures

love part two

love

let's talk about plums again

title

undeserving

i want yams

over- and underhearing