sous le ciel

Suddenly it's overcast and windy outside. I just finished reading an awesome zine called "I Was A Teenage Mormon" and eating saltine crackers. I've got an hour till I need to go to AAR, and I know perfectly well that I should use that hour to work on my Iliad paper, which I have not started. The only artificial light in the room is from the lamp on my nightstand, and as a result the room feels really cozy and comfortable and homey. I do not feel like doing my work. I feel like wrapping up in my fleece blanket and watching Fried Green Tomatoes on my computer screen, with headphones.

I got back two of my previous homework assignments from computer science, and I was absolutely thrilled--I'd received a 92 on the first, and the second and third were 100 and 88 respectively. Maybe it is reasonable for me to be in this class. It would be nice if I were better at memorizing syntax rules, but I'll take what I can get.

It's a mystery why I don't feel stressed out over this paper. I do feel worried about it, but I'm not worried enough to get to work. This is a running theme lately. There is always either something else do to or something, someone, an idea, that I'd rather be thinking about.

I hope it rains really hard tonight.

( haircut! )

Today has been sunny but not glaringly so. I spent a lot of time outside at the African Fest, eating great African food and watching a fashion show and listening to music. Now I have to be inside, reading so I don't have an overwhelming day tomorrow. I'm so happy.

It's now officially too depressing to have an entire entry about my murder of the mommy spider as the most recent.

So I shall write about another really depressing thing: the Jackson Katz documentary "Wrestling With Manhood," about the WWF (now the WWE). It was a very frightening movie. AAR hosted it, so it was mostly AAR people in the audience, with a few scattered others. The movie was about the skewed perspective of "manliness" given by the WWE shows and about the homophobia they cause and the intense psychological and physical degradation of women present in these programs. It freaked me out. I've never gotten into wrestling and I don't really have friends who like it (at least, none who have watched it around me), so I'd only been exposed to tiny snippets of the wrestling shows. It all looked fake and silly, and I knew it had a huge following, but I'd never really paid attention to the thousands of people in this country (male and female, toddlers to old people) who like to get off on a woman being forced to apologize for something by taking off her clothes, getting on her hands and knees, and barking like a dog. Or a big guy yelling "Bitch!" and picking somebody up and throwing her across the room. Or the two "gay wrestlers" getting mimicked and taunted and brutalized as if they were subhuman. It's sick. Or a 20-something pretending she really liked the forced, aggressive kiss from a man who looked 40 years her senior. Or a guy pouching on another guy for the sake of breaking a huge table, or a piece of wood, or for the sake of making "blood" gush everywhere.

I don't really understand how a woman would decide she was willing to become one of the Divas, or female wrestling characters. I don't know how you make the transition from regular woman to breast-implanted, jaw-reformated (in the case of Chyna), slut-for-everybody-to-toss-around, objectified gladiator toy. Maybe there's some rush involved, or a lot of money, or something. Definitely not worth it.

After one depiction of faked (yet realistic) abuse between two married characters after the supposed infidelity of the wife (who happens to be the actual, real-life daughter of Vince McMahon, the sick man who runs the WWE), fans were interviewed saying "She had it coming," "She deserved it," etc. It was sad to see teenage boys saying this stuff, but even worse were the women and girls who looked to be about my age. Were they just so glad that they were on the sidelines, so glad they weren't the ones being called sluts, that they honestly couldn't see that the woman out there was one of "them" (meaning one of their own gender)?

Yes, we love our big fake boobs and our fake blood and our fake pain in this great nation. Especially since there are lots of impressionable (stupid?) people out there willing to replicate the entire experience in a horrifyingly real way. I don't think these people on these shows realize how much of a backward impact they are having on society. Or else they do realize it and enjoy the power it gives them.

I've quoted this before; it is always true.

You smile,
mention something that you like,
how you'd have a happy life if you did the things you like.
--Franz Ferdinand

I feel really, really, really good right now. It's such a beautiful day it almost hurts. The sky is so blue and the sun is so sunny and the green is so fresh and it's windy and cool. I went to the programmed meeting this morning, and this senior named Joy spoke and it was amazing. We started in the meetinghouse and she had us come outside when it was time for her to speak. I wish I could remember everything she said, but it got absorbed somewhere, I'm sure. I don't know her, but she's one of the best people I've ever met. After meeting, she gave me a hug when I introduced myself and told her I appreciated what she said. I just sat there during the open worship part in completely happy silence. I really need to go to unprogrammed sometime, too. I feel like I know hardly anything about Quakerism and here I am at a Quaker school going to some amazing services. I'm so curious. The whole time I've been Methodist I've remembered being Episcopalian and thought of myself as both, even though I say "Methodist" when people ask me about my denomination. Maybe someday I'll be everything.

Right now I'm listening to "Hey Ya!" because it makes me happy and a little bit sad (memory-sad). I'm going to sort my laundry and get started on homework soon. I honestly can't say there's any place I would rather be, especially since I went to Ohio twice yesterday (the second time was to get Indian food in a large group, and ohhhh it tasted so good) and I feel like I've gotten away. I mean, sure, I'd like to go to London now that I'm old enough to wander around. I'd like to be at home sitting in the kitchen laughing with my family. I'd like to visit my relatives in Virginia and take pictures of mountains. I'd like to hang out with all of my friends from home in one place again, and introduce them to my new friends and have everybody fall in love with each other and never get separated. I'd like to scoop some fabulous ice cream for my favorite regulars from behind the counter at the Silver Dipper. I'd like to drive home from school with my sister. I'd like to go back in time about an hour and be less shy in one of those strange moments when I, not a typically shy person, freeze up in the presence of beauty.

But I am here, and I may as well not get sad over wishes.

(This morning Emma and Evelyn and Marina and Becca and I made posters encouraging voting. I honestly can't remember what it was like to not be completely interested in the political process, but I think I have a skewed view of what I was like before I got here or something, because while I was interested and tried to be somewhat informed, I am realizing that I was not involved beyond casting my own vote. Yesterday, canvassing in Dayton made me sad because we were in this neighborhood that was pretty run down and there were eviction notices, boarded-up buildings, etc. Lots of people weren't home, and we were supposed to talk to women for National Women's Election Action Day about educational issues in Ohio and comparing funding for the Iraq war with what it could be doing for the schools. When we actually got to talk to people, it was very exciting. Some people said they were undecided (usually "leaning Kerry"), and by the time I'd step off the porch, they were at least saying they definitely wouldn't be voting for Bush. They'll be getting calls about voting on Election Day. At one house, there was a guy about my age or a few years older. He hit on me, and it was a little unnerving but mostly funny, since he was in front of his family. He asked me for my number, and I just laughed and stepped away, since I was leaving. He called out "We could go to a Kerry rally!" I thought that was the funniest thing in the world--smooth moves, right? I said "Um, I live in Indiana!" and he said "Anywhere you want!" Good grief. It was really amusing, though.

I want to go back to Dayton for more. Not more of that guy, though.)

I'm trying really hard to be doing what I like.

Nothing says "Sunday night" like a zillion pages of Greek slaughter. Man oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. All with ridiculous names I can't remember.

I'm listening to Patty Griffin loudly. I love Patty Griffin and I've decided that somehow I'm going to meet her one of these years.
I recieved a letter from Kristen. I love Kristen and I love letters.
I just got back from AAR. I love AAR because it's important and the people are awesome.
Last night, I finished everything that was due today. I love the relief of finishing things.
I ate Subway for dinner using the nifty Meal Exchange option. I love Subway because it is (technically) food from the outside world.
In the past 24 hours I've been a veritable laundry machine. I love hugging a huge armload of warm fluffy towels.
There were sixteen new messages in my email, all about various activities and classes and things (some didn't concern me, but I'm too lazy to get off those listservs.) I love how email makes me feel like a person with a life.
I talked to my mom this afternoon. I really, really, really love my mom.

I am so happy here. It is still insecure happiness: I could be not-happy at any moment...I could feel like I didn't handle a social thing perfectly because things are different at home; I could walk through a huge cloud of cigarette smoke; I could get stressed out by the honesty I have to expect of myself. But when I am happy it is a really wonderful feeling. And it lingers longer and longer. I'm just not worrying about stupid things the way I did at home (i.e. yesterday I wore a dress that I've always thought makes my ass look big but I decided I didn't care and ended up getting a couple compliments and feeling great the whole day). I went to a Taizé service this morning in the meetinghouse and became completely calm. During the silent part, sandwiched between the songs and scripture, I think I was at the exact point between being awake and asleep, somewhere else entirely.

Everything is so weird. Not bad, though. I really want to sign up for classes and start attending classes. I feel like the capacity for conversation, name memorization, and connectedness will really increase in a couple days. That will be a relief.

This morning I applied for a work-study job at the library. In the afternoon I volunteered at a daycare with a group of people for part of our organized "Earlham and Beyond" activities. We were unexpectedly expected to pull weeds and dig up grass around trees, but after awhile the kids woke up from naptime and we got to play. That was fabulous. It's within walking distance and they need workers, so I'm going to sign up for a work-study position there, too. I'm not exactly sure how that would work, but apparently they can employ work-study kids. Hopefully I'll know more after the work-study meeting tomorrow.

( OMG YES I CAN SCAN )

Last night after a bonfire and photographs and Team Krusty winning euchre and Molly kissing the TV image of Paul Hamm and many hugs I feel more intensely sad about leaving but also happy. On the way home it occured to me that I should simply feel lucky to have so many wonderful people to miss.

The next time I write here I'll be living someplace else.

I really want a digital camera. I am going to buy myself one later this month. I want a small, moderately priced camera that can be easily tucked into a purse or backpack pocket and doesn't require lots of equipment. (I have the big bulky artsy SLR; this camera is more for instant gratification and email and Paint Shop Pro fun.) I need to know what sorts of digital cameras other people have and whether or not they are happy with their selection.

I'm curious about:
--- model
--- place of purchase
--- cost (if you don't mind)
--- pluses and minuses

Excitement!