(no subject)

I went looking for my darling, I went looking for a sign
and I found her in the morning, somewhere in the back of my mind

I'm not what I could be, I need a true love
I went looking and I found one

The wrong girl
The wrong kind
The wrong hand to be holding
The wrong eyes to go searching behind
The wrong dream to have on my mind

--Belle & Sebastian, "The Wrong Girl"

I feel exhausted but for some reason it isn't mental tiredness or physical tiredness. Or any place in-between. I'll probably go to sleep really fast, though.

I went to see "Big Fish" tonight with Molly and Kristen. I thought it was great, but I'm not sure if I'll ever see it again. I cried during the last part, which surprised me completely. It wasn't so much that I thought it was sad in a way that makes one feel upset over why something has to happen the way it does, it was just the overwhelmingness of watching the fantasy of so many people connected and gathered. (I'm trying to be vague to avoid giving anything away.) The movie was filmed beautifully; slightly creepy at times and very captivating. And afterwards we couldn't stop marveling over how amazingly similar in looks the actors were who played the same character at different ages. Strikingly specific distinctive features and everything.

Even though I do cry at movies occasionally, it is always a bit of a shock. I'll be sitting there absorbing the film and suddenly I'll realize crying is threatening to creep up on me. I always feel self-conscious, and that part of me pulls away from the movie while the rest of me stays completely focused on the screen, thus making the crying continue. It's very weird. I'm just not a person who cries very often. If I do, it's over something important or it's over a movie or (usually) it's because I'm laughing so hard I reach the point of no return and end up crying too.

When I got home I watched Saturday Night Live (starting with the middle of "Weekend Update," too bad I didn't see the whole thing) in an attempt to head back toward the middle of the emotional spectrum. Even though I don't think that show is ever consistently funny, there was enough humor to merit sitting on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa and Lily on my lap. It's almost uncanny how my cats know the perfect time to come sit in my lap. Sometimes they're annoyingly "in your face" and sometimes they're aloof, but there are times when they are perfect. I honestly consider the cats friends of mine.

(no subject)

Sometimes I think about music and I feel delightfully incredulous. I'm not even listening to any music right now, I'm just thinking about music and I feel great. I'm also happy because I finished reading Light in August. I went on a highlighting frenzy throughout chapter 20 and I think Faulkner is a master at resolving what should be resolved and leaving the rest alone.

We painted our youth group room red, yellow, and blue today. It's sort of ugly and sort of nice--I think it'll look better with the furniture back in place. I hope it will, at least. I came home after four hours covered in paint, but now I'm clean and comfortable and for once I actually noticed that I should feel blessed to have been able to take two showers in one day simply because I needed to get paint off my skin--it's so amazing that with the turning of two faucets, I can get as much hot water as I need to be clean.

There's no school tomorrow. I have things to do, but a day off of school is such a relief. I'm going to try to get as much done on my IU Honors College Scholarship app as possible tonight. And then I'm going to watch "The West Wing" season one DVD for awhile, because there's something in me that does not allow me to go to bed early if I don't have to go to school the next day. It has nothing to do with whether or not I've gone out--I went out Friday and Saturday night until a little after midnight, but tonight I'm just peaceful and at home but I still have the desire to wait hours before falling asleep. I think part of it might be that it's so lovely to fall asleep when exhausted and bleary-eyed.

Stupid girl
She was dressed like
She deserved everything that she got
bloody pumps
Dead girl
Hey, world
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot

--Patty Griffin, "Flaming Red"