May. 31st, 2004

sidewalksparkle: (Default)
Mostly, I really hate feeling like there are people I know today who will essentially become strangers. There's this weird combination of joy and depression lingering about this whole weekend. I am happy to have graduated. I've been both anticipating and dreading that day for a long time; it's good that it's over. I'm also happy that everything is winding down. It's been a whirlwind of fun, but after hosting one party and attending 25 others, I am truly exhausted. I don't know if I'll try to make plans for tonight or if I'll just veg out alone.


Tomorrow, life starts up again. I'll be working 2-10 both Tuesday and Wednesday, with an hour break for dinner, and working Friday night (6-11?) and 1-5 on Saturday. I'm looking forward to Thursday and Sunday already, but the days of work will be good, too. I can't complain about money, ice cream, and good company. In that sense, this summer is so much like last summer (work, camp--maybe, relatives from Virginia and Georgia, and most importantly hanging out with friends--though I hope to do even more of that this time) that life doesn't seem very different at all. I certainly don't feel any different. It would be too much of a shock to change in such a short amount of time, but I do worry that not going through dramatic feelings now will make it even more of a jolt to my system when my friends and I start moving out and beginning completely new lifestyles.


I do feel a bit like a blank slate, though. For so long, I've defined a large part of who I am by what I do. I write English papers and hope Mrs. Helton likes them, I go to the dark room and process pictures, I take the minutes at student council meetings, I work at the SHO bake sales, I sit in the locker bay talking to people, I do really stupid French projects. I have to make sure I understand that I don't do any of that anymore. I'll write English papers and develop photos again, but never for the same purpose, never "for" the same people. It's okay. It's just a little bit hard.


Alona and I were talking at the reception following graduation about how the ceremony was the last time our class would be all together ever again. As soon as the ceremony was over, masses of people filled the halls of the school, snaking around to the gym where we returned our robes and the cafeteria, where the reception took place. People were everywhere, but they were going in all directions. We were cramped, but we were scattering. It was, quite complicatedly, over. (Complicatedly because then there were more parties and more people saying, "Congratulations!" and "How do you feel?" and "Can you believe it?" It wasn't really over, but the togetherness was definitely complete.)


It took me a long time to find my family after the ceremony. I felt like a little child lost in a department store. It was a horrible feeling, especially since my whole family had bickered really annoyingly on the way over to the school and I felt at loose ends. Luckily, everything was okay by the evening. I have a truly wonderful family, but we all have this terrible habit of being nit-pickers who enjoy getting the last word. It makes for some frustrating conversations, especially when we are in a hurry and in the car and highly emotional.


On a mostly unrelated note, my voice is (mostly) back, and I can breathe through my nose again! The delicious food at Nikhil's completely opened up my head. It's so nice to be able to talk without delay.

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sidewalksparkle

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