Jun. 25th, 2004

sidewalksparkle: (Default)
Don't try to say to me
That this was never meant to be
'Cos the days are long where I come from
The next few days I'm free
There's a train I want to catch
But it won't leave here for a while
Till darkness fills the eastern sky
And streetlights stretch for miles
Through the spring
And the winter and the morning


Belle & Sebastian, "Waiting for the Moon to Rise"

Daniel is gone. I can't believe it. He never stopped being a wonderful cat; even at the very end he was so peaceful and didn't panic at all. My dad and sister chose to say goodbye to him before he was euthanized, but my mom and I stayed with him until he was dead. I think we all made the right choice and got the right kind of closure. For me, it was almost comforting to see him truly dead--that way I was certain that he stayed relatively comfortable for the duration of his life. It was final and a strangely beautiful, intense experience. The veterinary assistant cried and patted my hand, since I was crying quite a lot. My mom was crying too, and the vet actually got pretty teary-eyed as she administered the drug. The vet and her assistant were both such nice women; it helped to know that they were so compassionate and understanding.

I actually feel a lot better now. I am absolutely confident that his spirit is essentially basking in the glow of God at this exact moment. And this afternoon I looked at some of his "baby pictures" and was able to laugh at how funny and cute he was without breaking down. Even though I'll always miss him, I no longer have to be scared that I'm going to go through this intense period of grief that will ruin the rest of my days--as melodramatic as that sounds, I was actually sort of afraid of that. What will actually happen is that the sadness will hit me at odd, varying times. Tonight at work, for instance, I was making waffle cones and almost got tears in my eyes when that song that goes "What can I do? I want my baby back!" came on the radio. That's a song I always sort of enjoy hearing, and it's quite cheesy and overdone, but it really touched me.

I wouldn't trade a minute of my time with Daniel for anything, though. He was (is) fantastic.

This afternoon, I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11, which was the perfect distraction--it's not at all one of those escapist movie experiences, but it gave me something big into which I could channel my energy. The movie showed in a pretty large theatre, and it was almost full at 2:20 in the afternoon. We got our tickets 30 minutes early and had to wait in a long line to be seated. The movie left me depressed, antsy, curious, etc...not at all a bad combination.

Other than the fact that I had an odd schedule today (for obvious reasons), didn't eat properly, was left shaky and lightheaded, and never got a break, work tonight was great. The good of humanity, etc. We were really busy, and several family friends got ice cream. I love waiting on people I know--the novelty never wears off. And tomorrow morning we leave for Berea and Lexington! This vacation, though short, will be so wonderful. I will take lots of pictures and relax and hang out with my family. We'll be back on Tuesday.

I must close with a quotation from my boss that I heard him telling his friend who'd come to get ice cream. If I ever get it in my head that I miss my pun-happy economics teacher, I won't have to suffer for long since my boss is almost as good! (Luckily, his puns aren't nearly as frequent or repetitive.) To set this up, he was talking about "turning the other cheek" and how it's difficult when a customer is being aggressive and a smart-aleck remark is on the tip of the tongue. "My brother-in-law was golfing and another golfer hit him on the rear end with a ball. So I asked him, "Well, did you turn the other cheek?" I laughed out loud...I never think of my boss as being the type to think of these slightly sick things.

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