Mar. 25th, 2004

dried

Mar. 25th, 2004 05:11 pm
sidewalksparkle: (waiting)
Waitlisted at Kenyon, the first school I fell in love with. The puppy love school. (15% upsurge in applicants this year, once again I "favorably impressed" the admissions counselors, this time I'm one of 200 students waitlisted). At risk of sounding egotistical, I am surprised. Getting waitlisted at Carleton should have prepared me, but it didn't. I truly hate thin envelopes. I've had less luck at college applications than I thought I would, embarrassingly enough. I think the people who helped me with the college process expressed too much confidence. My guidance counselor told me point-blank that from her past experiences, the only school she felt might not admit me was Northwestern, which remains the only school I haven't heard from--and a school whose decision I now dread recieving even more, despite my lack of interest in actually going there. Even the Kenyon office sent me a letter in November stating that their records showed I might be among some of the "top applicants" and that I should apply for the honors scholarship. I was rejected for the scholarship, but I guess that letter gave me hope that I would at least be admitted to the school.


But with an uncanniness that is becoming almost characteristic of these experiences, I recieved another letter from Earlham today. It's amazing how many disappointments (in a variety of aspects of life, not only the realm of colleges) have been offset by Earlham. I wonder if this is a sign that I should attend that school. This specific letter was describing a fine arts scholarship, with application instructions. I have until April 7 to put together my portfolio and write a statement of intent. Regardless of whether or not I get the scholarship, at least I know that Earlham seems to care.


Now I have to decide whether or not I put myself on the waitlist at Kenyon. An enormous part of me wants to make a clean, simple decision and go to Earlham without messing with the potential pain of prolonged wondering and further rejection. But I'm also very wary of making any declarations. This just isn't the sort of thing that can be solved with pros and cons. Unfortunately, it can be solved with dollars, another point in Earlham's favor.


It's not like my waitlist letters have been mean-spirited. They've been both honest and very nice. The letter-writers both managed to convey genuine regret at having to send the letters. I'm just really frustrated. I don't even know if this is making sense. I'm in a horrible mood, coupled with the embarrassing fact that I know I'm still really lucky and I know I've gotten into some good places.


I'm also having a very confusing day. We had our individual photo critiques with Tom. From what I could hear, the other two people did most of the talking, while Tom responded to what they were saying. But Tom did most of the talking during my critique. I can't even describe it, it feels like the time in 3rd grade during the Native American unit when we stepped out of the room one by one and our classmates gave us "Native American names" reflecting special aspects of ourselves and we weren't supposed to repeat our names to others. Except the critique wasn't a naming ceremony...it just reflected the awful and wonderful mood of the decision-making and reminded myself that I have control. It reminded me that it really is possible for a person to figure things out about another person before the observed person figures them out about him- or herself.


I don't feel like going to work tonight. I feel like sitting in a daze and just talking things out silently with myself. But it's rainy again (though I'm not in a weather-induced state of euphoria the way I was yesterday) and work won't be especially busy so I'll have some time to make waffles, think carefully, and earn money. To end this entry in the cheesiest way possible, dollars and sense.

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sidewalksparkle

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